Editor’s Note: The following is not reflective of the Tautonomy Staff’s view toward DeAndre Jordan and his free agency decision. I, for one, am loving Basil’s angst about the whole thing.
Warning: The Following Content May Not Be Suitable for Children Under the Age of 13
P.S. Basil loves lists of adjectives separated by commas
What the fuck is happening.
I got back from work in Belgrade about 5 hours ago without a care in the world. I started packing my bags to go to Novi Sad tomorrow for the EXIT music festival, had some delicious Serbian dinner, and was feeling all-around great about the day. Then, all of a sudden, my iPhone connected to the home Wifi. The next six hours rained terror upon my emotions.
What Follows is a live, uninhibited word vomit as Basil continues to learn details about the Jordan saga.
In a whirlwind of buzzing noises, I realized that my phone was getting all of the messages from the day. My first stop was my group text with my friends at home. I briefly saw something about a Chandler Parsons tweet and figured the Mavericks must have added a great new free agent piece to the rejuvenated new lineup they had been building this offseason. Fantastic! As an avid Dallas Mavericks and New York Giants fan, I have always loved the excitement of the offseason.
As I asked my friends what was going on, I braced for the exciting news. Maybe Amare resigned? Maybe we got Jeremy Lin in a sign and trade. “Alright”, I thought, “That’s not incredibly exciting… but for a team that needs to build around big time free agent signings DeAndre Jordan and Wesley Matthews…”
The good news never came. Instead I got a delightful little text from my friend Jeff saying that DeAndre Jordan was rethinking his decision. “Classic last second butterflies,” I told myself. “No big deal.”
After 5 minutes of vulgar expletives to myself and my Serbian neighbors.
SO, it turns out DeAndre Jordan, with his unbelievable maturity and big balls of steel, holds an emotional constitution comparable to that of my middle school girlfriend (she was real, okay!). It appears he could not make up his mind on what team he wanted to play for. Like for real. As in, it wasn’t some sort of twisted joke. And OF COURSE the LOVELY moratorium period that David “the Devil” Stern set up before he left the NBA, diving to the underworld amidst the distant echoes of booing fans, empowers this TITAN OF INDUSTRY HIMSELF, DeAndre Jordan, to walk around for an entire week (that’s right folks an entire week) with both of his thumbs up his ass contemplating his options despite already verbally committing to sign with the Dallas Mavericks.
My first reaction: this can’t possibly be happening right? I mean he is just nervous. These are just silly rumors. We will sign him tomorrow and it will be fine. There is literally no chance he leaves, right?
And then I get wind of this absurd emoji thing. Chandler Parsons tweeting an airplane emoji, followed by JJ Redick tweeting a car emoji, followed by Blake Griffin tweeting a plane, a train, and an automobile, followed by Chris Paul tweeting an emoji of a banana and a boat, followed by Paul Pierce tweeting a picture of a rocket ship. What? Is this Pictionary for millionaires? Then Brett Favre tweeted an emoji of his penis, Jameis Winston tweeted an emoji of a lobster, Alexi Lalas tweeted an emoji of him making out with a soccer ball, Kobe Bryant tweeted a picture of himself hitting Larry Nance Jr. in the head with a baseball bat, and Donald Trump tweeted an emoji of a rainbow with red X’s on both sides. This entire thing was just absurd. I think the new iOS update will eliminate the QWERTY keyboard altogether as a result of this whole fucking saga.
While this dumbass emoji fight is happening on Twitter in real life, every Clippers coach, player, owner, general manager, grandmother, and probably even that trainer who fills up the goddamn ice bath is hopping on any and every mode of transportation to go over to DeAndre Jordan’s house as if it’s the fucking Death Star. You got Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, JJ Redick, Blake Griffin, Steve Ballmer, Doc Rivers, Vinny Del Negro, Elton Brand, Chris Kaman, Michael “the Kandy Man” Olowokandi, Benoit Benjamin, and even Donald Sterling allllllllllll talking in DeAndre’s ear about how he made a mistake and that they are here to fix it and that everything is going to be fine. Meanwhile, you got Mark Cuban on a plane headed to Houston to talk to the guy amidst reports that he got hammered last Friday night after the signing and drunkenly divulged the Mavericks marketing pitch to Jordan’s best friend on the Clippers, Blake “Planes, Trains, and Whatever the Fuck Else” Griffin.
2 Hours Later:
Reports are coming out from Chris Broussard that DeAndre Jordan is leaning to joining the Clippers. At this point, I am staring at my computer as if I just read a tweet about Bono putting his name in the US Presidential race. I
Oh but the best is apparently yet to come. I’m tuning into 105.3 The Fan all the way from Belgrade, Serbia, because obviously I gotta listen to my boys Ben and Skin explain all of this news to me. In some small hope for appeasement, I’m reading that Wesley Matthews is going to resign with the Mavericks regardless, even though there was a Wesley Matthews account that tweeted two hours prior “If DJ gone, I’m gone.” Really reassuring stuff from Iron Man Wes. But at this point, WHO EVEN WANTS YOU ANYMORE, WES???!!!?!?!?!
In one fateful swoop, DeAndre Jordan may end the entire Mavericks organization as we know it. All of a sudden we are going from a sure fire playoff team in the brutal Western Conference to a team that may have to tank next season.
And what happens when the Mavs tank? They lose Rick Carlisle.
And what happens when the Mavs tank and lose Rick Carlisle? Every self-proclaiming Mavs fan is screaming to trade Dirk because we can’t let the King of European basketball suffer through even one sub-500 season. Not to mention, if we tank, we have to be in the bottom 7 teams in the league because we traded our 2016 first round pick, 1-7 protected, to the Celtics, in the widely-acclaimed, unbelievably successful trade that brought the eternally cursed Rajon Rondo to the Dallas Mavericks. Only way the Mavs get that pick, only way that the “tanking season” is successful, is if the Mavs land with a pick in between 1-7.
But if we are being perfectly honest, it is hard to be that bad with Dirk Nowitzki on your team. The man hasn’t won less than 49 games in a season since the second year of his 17 year career. This could mean that the Mavs almost have to trade him, both for his sake and for theirs.
So that leaves you with an either traded or retired Dirk, potentially no first round draft pick after your tanked season, no Rick Carlisle, and no real prospects for the future. Oh, and did I mention that Chandler Parsons is a free agent in two years?
All of this, because DeAndre Jordan might not have enough chutzpah to stick to his word.
1 Hour Later:
Now past midnight in Serbia, a little before 8:30 ET.
I had come to this terrifying realization that this may have been the worst day in Dallas Mavericks history, when all of a sudden I read something that really calmed me down.
According once again to Chris Broussard, the Clippers’ meeting with DeAndre Jordan has ended and the Clippers are keeping DeAndre captive in his own home, in an effort to make sure that Mark Cuban and Chandler Parsons don’t get to talk to him.
GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! GOOOOD GOOOD GOOOOD GOOOOD GOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
The saddest organization in basketball, who suddenly slid ass backwards into Blake Griffin and have been good for 3 or 4 seasons, who treated DeAndre Jordan like shit for the 7 years that he has been in LA, is keeping him hostage in his own home in order to persuade (more like, in order to force) him into rejoining a team that he has, for all intensive purposes, already left.
This is fantastic. I am ecstatic about life and the opportunities ahead.
This is an unprecedented NBA debacle, that a team is going to a free agent who has already verbally committed to another team and trying to win him back by actively pursuing him and going behind his agent’s back to do so. Not only does it scare the bejesus out of teams who will sign long-term contracts for max-deal free agents in the future, but it also blurs the line of what is acceptable for a team to do.
What happens when free agents verbally agree to contracts with teams and then teams renege on their offers, completely nullifying the verbal contracts. This ordeal, this debacle, this fiasco, this CALAMITY has massive implications for the NBA going forward. It is embarrassing for the Clippers, it is embarrassing for DeAndre Jordan, and it is embarrassing for the NBA. The Dallas Mavericks won’t be embarrassed though. They could, however, by the time I wake up tomorrow morning, have their future completely RAVAGED because of the stupid, silly, ridiculous, asinine indecision of a 27 year old without any clue of what he wants. If he is willing to put his reputation on the line and potentially single-handedly destroy one of the most successful NBA franchises in the last 15 years, then he is exactly the joke, the disgrace, the third wheel that everyone has grown to know. And you know what, if that is the case, then maybe he belongs in Clipperland with all of the other historical embarrassments.
Just as I am making sense of all of this ridiculousness in my head, I get a text from my friend Quin. Jason Pierre Paul had his right index finger amputated today after a firework accident on July 4th…