Editors Note: Welcome to the Trailers of the Week column. Each week, Nick Younger and I will break down trailers for the upcoming release season. This week, Nick reacts with me to a full palate of Superhero (and Leo) offerings, namely “Suicide Squad”, “The Revenant”, “Fantastic 4”, and “Batman Vs. Superman”.
Aditya Joshi: Can I just marry Margot Robbie like right now? The Joker is the most terrifying superhero in existence, certainly scarier than whatever deadpool-Hitch hybrid Will Smith is playing (We’re some kinda suicide squad… ROLL CREDITS), but Margot is just too enticing to avoid. Again, don’t know a ton about DC villains, so I’ll have to pretend ike any characters other than the Joker and Harley Quinn interest me – but what is actually intriguing is what appears to be a scene where Leto as Joker turns Margot Robbie’s Harley Queen into a lunatic who can’t put on her makeup right and fucks with prison guards. And that “Are you the devil” line. *Shivers* Color me smitten, Nicky.
Nick Younger: The year is 2020: There are no more comedies, there are no more romance movies, no more documentaries; there are only superhero movies. All the cool superheroes have been taken; the newest movie out is the 3rd Nightwing reboot in a row.
Flashback to today, I am ready for this bad mamma-jamma of a movie to come out. Margot Robbie is the greatest choice for Harley Quinn, and Jared Leto looks scarier than the heroin addict from Requiem for a Dream and the lead singer of 30 seconds to Mars. I’m excited for this new Joker to die in the crowd of an Insane Clown Posse concert. Will Smith appears as Deadshot, but is doing what he does best: play Will Smith. I wish Will Smith was in every movie just to say the title like “I guess we’re some kind of…Fight Club” or “I guess we’re some kind of Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire.”
Honestly, there should be more bad guy movies doing shitty things. I hope there’s no redeeming moments in this movie, I just want to see like a more morally bankrupt version of Ocean’s Eleven with all DC Villains.
NY: WOW, Leo let’s do it baby, let’s fucking do it. You are a star in the sky and only you shine, dazzle them. This is your moment, you are Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and despite your psychological hallucinations this performance is your magnus opus. It’s either Oscars or death…Anyways.
This trailer is just 3 minutes of Leo breathing heavily, as a super wide shot of Native Americans shooting arrows at a mean-mugging Tom Hardy, AND I COULDN’T BE MORE EXCITED. The Revenant is “based on a true story” or “how can I make this vaguely interesting historical story applicable to Hollywood and WAAAY more badass” about a fur trapper who gets mauled by a bear and crawls 5 miles to civilization to straight ice the guys who left him. So actually kind of a thug story already, and it lets us see Leo scream and shout into the camera in hopes for an Oscar, will he do it? Well, a boy can only dream.
AJ: Whew. I almost just cried watching that trailer. Maybe it’s because I went to happy hour, or maybe it’s because those dumplings I just ate were fire flames, but the direction of that trailer deserved a repeat oscar for Ajenadro Inarritu ASAP. I have no idea what this movie is about but all I know is that, like Nick earlier, I am frightened and aroused. Leo NEEDS an Oscar. At the beginning of this trailer he might as well be rasping “I haven’t won an Oscar yet and it’s a goddamn travesty. Fuck that dad body excitement and my hot gf I need a gold statue of a folded-arm thespian”. This movie looks so so dope, and I’m sure whatever the plot is will fill out the cool ass lumbersexual shots of Leo and the Legend himself, Tom Hardy.
This trailer dropped my excitement for this movie by 68.88 points. It seemed like a solid reboot with some young faces and a handsome strong Michael B Jordan, but now the whole movie is a damp swampy spooky alien green on a weird CGI monster planet. The Thing literally looks like dried animal shit. Marvel is trying to be all dark and edgy but Nolan’s Batman has the lockdown with his big Christian Bale scary Batman cock. Schmeh, just schmeh. I BELIEVED IN YOU FANTASTIC FOUR, I’d honestly rather have Jessica Alba and Ioan Grufford pretending to like each other again.
AJ: This is the most flaccid of the superhero stuff without a doubt. What’s weird about this trailer is the “In A World” guy is back. I haven’t heard a voiceover like this on a trailer in ages. I know it’s a character in the movie. As for the rest of the trailer… it’s supposed to be dark and edgy but it comes off kind of childish and kitchsy. “He’s stronger than any of us… he’s not stronger than all of us”. I mean, I’m in love with every person in this cast (Namely the BBQ guy from HoC, Miles Teller, and MbJ) so I’ll give the movie a shot. I wonder if Mara and MBJ are supposed to be siblings still? But c’mon main. Just like, must you, with the terrible dialogue/ expository voice overs?
Batman V. Superman: dawn of justice
NY: Superman just punches Batman so hard all his bones disintegrate and he dies immediately. Or that’s how this movie should go, but instead the grumpiest Batman to-date scowls at Clark Kent the whole movie and then they fight in the oddest matchup. Don’t get me wrong, this movie looks balls lodged in the wall awesome, but like come on guys, it’s Superman. Despite the difference in gains, this is going to be quite the interesting movie, as it decides the fate of the new DC universe. Wonder Woman and Aquaman are sure to be really fucking cool, and I think Jesse Eisenberg will provide a super snively schemey Lex Luthor. I can’t wait for the scene where Superman holds him down to shave his head and then makes him eat his own hair.
AJ: Ben Affleck is a decent actor but he’s a great director. That’s why I’m gonna make it through this superman heavy movie despite Superman being the least interesting and relatable superhero of all time. Not gonna pretend like this matchup and star power isn’t intriguing… I mean the romantic male lead from Chasing Amy and the American from “The Man From U.N.C.L.E” in the same place? It’s an inside the actor’s studio master class. Absurdity.
NY: Honestly, I cannot wait Ben Affleck to direct his own Batman in 2017 and call it “Good Will Hunting 2: How ‘bout them Batmobiles?” with Matt Damon as Robin. It’s a good movie title, believe me, it sells.
AJ: Nick please go reconsider your life if you think that Damon will EVER play second fiddle to Affleck in a film. Damon wears the pants, the shirt, and the Sox hat in that relationship.
NY: It’s a classic role reversal situation, Affleck becomes the top to Damon’s bottom
AJ: You’re an animal, Nick.