At 9:50AM, I rise to study for my exam the next day. I casually check my GroupMe to the message “Anyone wanna jizz over the new Star Wars trailer in print?” from our esteemed (and always professional) editor, Aditya Joshi. I concede and decide to pass the torch off to someone else. Turns out that someone else was me: right after I watch the Third and FINAL trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
I’m first greeted by Oprah’s voiceover on the commercial for her new documentary/movie/Lifetime show: “Believe.” She then has the GALL to ask me, “What. Do You. Believe?” What do I believe Oprah? I believe in a lot of things, once it was Santa, once it was Shamwow. Now…I believe in Harvey Dent, The Force.
It seems our new shepherd, J.J. Abrams, enjoys popping protagonists up at the start of every trailer; the Tusken Raider-esque masked face of none other than Keira Knightley look-alike Daisy Ridley spelunks in the shell of a broken Star Destroyer while a haunting piano tiptoes its way through the new desert planet, Jakku. Lupita N’yongo’s Max Kanata asks offscreen, “Who are you?” Daisy Ridley’s Rey responds with a foreboding “I’m no one,” which in the House of Black and White is a solid answer but this is Mos Eisley Cantina, and I’m itching like Greedo to get my hands on more Star Wars.
We learn that Finn (John Boyega) is by far the WORST stormtrooper to exist, as he crash-lands and immediately disrobes down to a sleek black tracksuit, standard issue First Order regalia, in the middle of the fucking desert, and conveniently heads towards the other main character’s town dripping in sweat. We don’t see much of a calm dry Finn, but I’m sure in the film’s second act he finds some Corellian anti-perspirant that can help him out. All the while the terribly emo Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) coughs about how much Darth Vader fan fiction he’s been writing since Return of the Jedi. Most of them are just Girls/Star Wars mashups with Lena Dunham as the Emperor, which I honestly wouldn’t mind reading, because the romance arcs in that must be phenomenal.
Our scruffy idol Han Solo whips past TIE-fighters, and tells the action duo (Finn and Rey) that the stories are all true about Jedis and Siths, but they actually cut away before the rest of the line as Han really says, “All of it…except that weird part about pod-racing, and Jar Jar Binks; that was just a fever dream, I was more referring to blowing up the Death Star and banging princesses.” No matter, those movies are in the past, and J.J. Abrams is the future. Look at those dreamlike shots backed by the swelling ensemble of John Williams. HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT JAR JAR AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
Then let the montage fucking roll, baby. We see familiar shots of X-Wings skimming on water and stormtroopers looking feistier than ever. Even the metallic hand of Luke Skywalker (hopefully) comes back to make an appearance, as Abrams has kept his appearance completely under wraps so far. We do get glimpses of what seems to be Max Kanata’s pirate hideout, and like 18 different battles that all look kind of like the Empire is winning (Fans start speculating now, there’s waaaay too much to go off of). Unfortunately, we don’t get much of Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron except the weird, slightly kinky torture scene, and some more X-Wing cockpit shots. We haven’t seen all the characters yet, but we do get another look at Leia embracing Han, which is our cue to get emotional. The montage swells with Star Wars fervor culminating in the duel between Space Marilyn Manson and Finn, who looks seriously outclassed. However, John Boyega went from South London hooligan to a Jedi in a few movies, and Adam Driver had to endure that movie with Tina Fey and Jason Bateman so it could be pretty even.
We end with a voice saying, “The Force, it’s calling to you. Just let it in.” Oh I’m letting it all in, after six watches of the trailer I’m legitimately insulted you would say I haven’t let it in yet. All I’m going to be letting in is Star Wars themed Harris Teeter birthday cakes until Christmas, I don’t even want to see my family unless we’re discussing theories or someone is giving a dramatic reenactment of the Battle of Endor with my dogs.
Each trailer has been better than the last, each providing more action, more aliens, more Star Wars, but just enough to keep us waiting. We may not know specific details, but there is a War and it might be in the Stars. I’d be lying if I said that isn’t enough for me.