Aaaaaaand we’re back!
After some painstakingly long waiting, Game of Thrones has returned to conquer the airwaves through Fire and Ice! Finally, the reveal the world has been waiting for with bated breath for 9 months. Jon Snow is still alive…. right?!
They just showed his dead body on the table for most of his appearance in the episode?
Despite the fate of our favorite character being (temporarily) confirmed, there were still a lot of cool scenes and unexpected deaths this week, so we move forward to the power rankings.
As a quick reminder, here is where everyone was at the end of last season. I’m going to continue my trend from last year and just adjust the way I do rankings every week to fit the trend of the show. Like the finale, we’ll go location by location breaking down what happened and assessing character arcs, before coming up with a all-encompassing ranking at the end. Sound good? Cool.
1) Ser Davos Seaworth, The Onion Knight:
Ah yes. This man, who once graced my little brother’s facebook profile picture, is the only good thing going on at the wall right now. Despite losing his favorite person in the world (Shireen) and his lord/king (Stannis), and then immediately losing the one person who could help him out at the wall (Jon) he stayed resolute, calm, and ultimately, ready to save the day. Taking charge of the Jon Snow 8, as they’ll be known until they inevitably die and break our hearts, and sending Dolorous Ed (that’s who that guy was, by the way) for the Wildlings was a brilliant move. Hopefully they come by nightfall, so that Stannis’s measured-but-sassy remarks don’t go to waste. He’s the only likeable one left up there, so lets hope he lives to see another day.
2) Allisair Thorne, New Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch
Only a schemey little snake like Thorne could take a total mutiny that was motivated by being a sore loser and bitterness and spin it as a display of loyalty to the Night’s Watch. He declared that loyalty is “the foundation of the Night’s Watch” as he claimed responsibility for his boss’s dead body. He’s in a good jumping off point, but if the Wildling’s come to save the day (as I hope they do) this spot on the power rankings will be short lived.
What do we make of this. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS.
This throws an interesting wrench in the “Mel will resurrect Jon” plan. This is a clear sign that she’s more than shadow birthing nutcase, she’s an OLD shadow birthing nutcase. What are the implications of this age changing necklace and her real age? Interesting reveal without a ton of answers right now.
1) Brienne of Tarth
Finally Brienne has found another noble person to take her service. hope this is the last we see of Dany for the season (even though I would watch just an hour of Emilia Clarke doing whatever), because it honestly could not get any better than this. She’s ready to conquer the world. I mean look at the picture on the top of this article! The only thing I would maybe enjoy more as a sequel to this is getting Tyrion on Rhaegal. Now THAT would be dope.
3) Jorah Mormont (Last Week, 3rd from Last)
Despite looking outmatched in every battle, he triumphed in the prestigious Mereen fighting pits, and then saved the life of the woman he loves by accurately tossing a spear from 50 feet away. Dany clearly showed that she cared about ol’ Jorah, and he kept her safe until Drogon spirited her away to better places. He’s still not gonna hook up with her, and he’s still a terminal case, but at least he can die a bit happier knowing that he’s been welcomed back in the fold.
4) No one (Last Week… wtf?)
A girl must kill the gambler. A girl decides she is not just a girl, but in fact Arya Stark, youngest daughter of Lord Eddard Stark, the former Lord of Winterfell. A girl decides that she will find a way to kill Ser Meryn Trant, who is on her death list. A girl will be Lana, and go sell her dirty seafood in a brothel. She will make good tips, because for some reason it’s okay to sell oysters in a brothel. Doesn’t a girl find that unsanitary? A girl did not kill the thin man. The thin man was not hungry. Perhaps that is why he is thin.
Oysters Clams and Cockles!
Halftime: High School Game of Thrones
3) Ellaria Sand (Last Week, Unranked)
Doran went all Sand-Dornish on her ass this week. After her bad-ass wine pour, Doran just put his foot down (figuratively, of course) in the first display of aggressive leadership and fire that we’ve come to expect from his people. Threatening to kill her, giving her an ultimatum, etc etc was a true display of power after tolerance. She did deliver a heartfelt speech to Jaimie at the end of the Dorne section though, about lovers and sisters and brothers. It was a bold choice by Doran to send Trystane back with Myrcella… let’s see if Ellaria isn’t going to be trying to avenge another Martell by the time the season is up.
3) Hizdhar & The Sons of the Harpy (Last Week, Unranked)
This 1980’s pop band did not have a great week. One could assume that Mr. Dany Targaryen set up the Harpy revolt (based on his late appearance and flimsy excuse), and then had it all go south for him when he was stabbed to death by a Harpy operative. For a guy who has had a pretty visible plot line, most of which involved avoiding death, it was a rather lame way to go. Vallar Morghulis, young man.
The Sons of the Harpy, on the other hand, were clearly about to win the Battle of the Fighting Pits AND kill a Lannister, a Mormont, and the Dragon Queen… until Drogon showed up. Quickly the day was lost, and like 15 of them were encased in fire. Dope for us, bad for them.
2) Stannis Baratheon (Last Week, Unranked)
Mostly covered up above, but damn dude, you really blew it. 3 weeks ago I was ready to give you Father of the Year. Now you’re sacrificing poor Shireen to R’Hllor just for the opportunity to lose and be flayed by Ramsey Bolton when it turns out Jon Snow is the real Azor Azhai? Hmm?! I’m glad your tent burned down you asshole. The only consolation for Stannis is that he’s alive, and hat his horrible actions got kind of muted emotionally by the immediate transition to Mereen. If Davos can’t get him his supplies next week, he’ll quite literally get buried.
P.S. Let’s also not forget that Shireen was his heir. The whole conceit of his claiming the throne was to see his family in power. Davos had instructions to seat Shireen on the Iron Throne if Stannis died… that, combined with the love he’s shown for Shireen and the fact that he’s renown for being an amazing military commander makes this whole turn of events seem kind of counterintuitive. The Stannis character wouldn’t let his camp be penetrated by Ramsey – who is probably not ninja-quiet. He would have guards posted and his mercenary troops would be fully on alert. Plus, he just burned his daughter in front of an army… I don’t think that inspires loyalty OR the motivation to put someone on the Iron Throne for the Lords of Westeros. He may have just lost himself the war just take to take Winterfell
1) Shireen Baratheon (Last Week, Unranked)
We don’t have to go over this again, but of all the ways to die, being sent to burn by your dad minutes after you tell him you love him and want to help him become king is a pretty bad one. I’ll let Matt sum it up.
RiP Shireen. May Davos learn to read in your honor.
The Quick Beheading, Putting your money on the fast one, Jon Snow, Wun Wun, Meryn Trant, 3 too-old Whores, The Thin Man, Daario, Tyrion, Rhaegal, , Sam Tarly, Gilly, Baby Sam, Olly, Jaimie Lannister, Tommen Lannister, Ramsey Bolton, Alliser Thorne, Bronn, The Slap Game, The Sand Snakes, Doran Martell, Lebron James, Steph Curry, Grey Worm, Davos, Ghost,, The Thin Man, and of course, the Cock Merchant.